I mentioned counseling to Brian several times, and he goes through the roof and accuses me of trying to sabotage our marriage with weird outside interventions. What I want is what you have and what you do. It’s taken me years to figure that out, and days since I saw your arrangement to understand that it is EXACTLY what I want. I just hope it might be what WE want – Brian and me. He’s an engineer, like Dave, and can be pretty straight and pedantic. If I bring any of this up, he’ll think I’m off my rocker. He tells me that all the time anyway.”The scene resembled one of the Circle’s smaller gatherings; only it was in a warehouse set designed to look like a luxurious living room. The furniture was what Mike called ‘Ten Footers,’ meaning it looked good so long as you didn’t get closer than ten feet to parts of it that were torn, stained, or damaged. Mike had picked up most of it at estate sales, consignment shops, or junk stores for a fraction of what it cost when new.On one of the long. I could almost hear my mother telling me to stop crying before my eyes froze shut, but I wanted them to be frozen. I wanted everything to be frozen so I could stop feeling. I didn’t want to feel the pain or rejection anymore and I had nobody to turn to. ‘She’ had made sure of that over the years, cutting me off from family and friends as I ignorantly followed like an obedient pup. This wasn’t the way I planned on spending my life when we first got together. I thought we would take care of and love each other, but after 20 years it finally dawned on me that the only one doing the thoughtful things was me for ‘her’ and when I finally stood up for myself she told me to ‘get the fuck out’. I had no voice and was painfully aware of the fact when I went back the first time, working hard for the past two years to keep her happy, but in keeping her happy I seemed to be losing more of myself. It was Christmas and I was about to be a homeless old lady and there was only one thing I could do if.
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